Afraid to win?!?

hey all, again ;p hehe... breakthrough, perhaps?!? no, not a breakthrough... but at least it seems to be somewhat an explanation of my strangeness when i have absolutely nothing i can rightly complain about... - i've identified that there's this element in me that seems to be afraid to win!!! hmmmz... it's weird... i can't say i ever delight in losing, but if only to see true valiant efforts of the victor over me result in a moment of boundless satisfaction... ;p

anyhowz, u're probably wondering, how can i be "afraid to win"?!? well - i'll start by working through what this means... (thx heaps to yq, who i was discussing this with... some of this is taken out of what i said in our msn convo...) it's like there's this bit of me that knows that so much has been done, that life is so good, and the extra reward seems so undeserved that i'm afraid to reach out and grab it... tho it's dangling in front of me on a string... i'm not talking about indulgence, rather opportunities to respond to God's calling... sometimes they're dangled on a string and almost held in my mouth that i actually go out of my way to avoid grabbing it...

it's strange, huh?!? i wonder if it's the result of logic circuits in me that come about as a result of an inherent fear of losing... so the hypothesis goes: coz i'm afraid to lose at first, i develop something that safeguards me against feeling too bad when i lose... so i'm no longer afraid to lose... so i don't mind it... i get used to it... and then, i feel more comfortable with it... comfort in losing, it's almost like i want to remain in it... so whenever i'm close to winning anything, i feel like i'm venturing out of my comfort zone... hmmmz... maybe?!? - or maybe it's like running a race, if u're in front, then u feel so free, like too free... if you're behind, you have goals to catch up to... i probably feel more comfortable with goals like that...

i thank yq also for reminding me of returning advice on the principle of "cheerful giving"... ;p how true tho!!! how can one give without there being anyone to receive?!? - as well as being cheerful givers, we must be cheerful receivers as well... not to ever give to expect reward, but to simply trust in the goodness of your gift, and the premise that whatever you give will be given back to you (as in Luke 6:38 - "Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”)... not to give for the sake of giving, for to do so is grudging, but rather out of love... and to receive cheerfully in the same spirit!!! if someone is giving to you out of love, then you should encourage it by receiving with the same love!!! ;p in a way, this is also giving, since it is the gift of self, an experience only you can give, for each and every one of us is unique...

it's important to understand that where we have much to receive, we should do so!!! and similarly, when we have much to give, we should do so as well!!! - likewise, when the victory is in sight, we should run to it with open arms and clutch it, for it has been given to us by God's grace... if we do not hunger for victory, we are denying our God-given desires... ;p

anywayz, my resolves for today are huge, eh?!? - ;p to embrace victory, to be as cheerful a receiver as a giver, and to respond to God's calling with renewed interest once again - to love, to live, to worship, be content and rejoice!!! ;p

God bless!!!
dave