Sleeping giant...

I don't know what the title of the post means in relation to anything in this post, not really anyway. Except that sleep means a couple of things - this blog really is still in deep sleep, owing to work commitments (including 3 Sundays in a row!), and that sleep is something I am often in extra need of - and that giant simply refers to a bike I will hopefully be getting at some stage - model undecided (looking at OCR 3, CRX 3, Innova) - excitingness when I get it, I'm sure!

Currently, looking at the tail end of this year, I am in dire need of a break, but thanks to God that is only just around the corner now - just on 2 weeks left, then 5 weeks' leave - I'll be so lost for plans/things to do! After leave, I'll be in Wangaratta for three months, working emergency, and then coming back to Melbourne and doing cancer surgery at Peter Mac, and then a couple of specialised surgery terms at Royal Melbourne. I expect it will be quite challenging, but hopefully also interesting and confidence-boosting at the same time.

It's just on a week till Christmas morning, and I think it's a timely reminder to celebrate the Good News that we've all been given, the news of Jesus' coming into this world! Thank God for sending His Son to redeem us, bring us into a deep relationship with Him, and cleanse us from our sin. About a year ago, I wrote another blog condemning the commercialisation of Christmas (I think? or was it Easter?) - either way, I think that I've been in the shelter too much this year to notice the Christmas hype, and it's refreshing to think of it just as a time of peace and reflectiveness when the world slows down and people go away on holiday, taking rest as God did on the seventh day of Creation. And as we slow down and relax, may we, too, remember God's amazing present to us in His Son, Jesus!

God bless, happy Christmas and New Year!

The volcano erupts...

Alas, Rabaul has reopened its mouth - the PNG volcano erupted for the first time in just twelve years. I am always amazed at the power of volcanoes, the unpredictable forces of nature hurling forth voluminous gushes of red-hot lava into the stratosphere from the bowels of the earth. It is a rare event, thankfully - God has enabled us to coexist with these awesome displays of His creative power.

As one volcano comes out of its dormancy, so also (as it would seem) does my blog - rather forlorn without a single entry for months! I guess work takes its toll, currently I'm doing general medicine at Sunshine hospital, a step back in pace from the relentlessness of my previous surgical rotation. Hopefully this means more blogging!

One other thing that has held me back from blogs was the loss of my laptop. Gone. Stolen. Without a trace. Along with my flatmate's. That was a few weeks ago now, but it still strikes me how low some people will go for a bit of money! It's been quite a setback, losing one of my main resources (information, communication etc), but thanks to God, nothing else was taken, and now I have my computer from home brought here, I can blog again, read and send emails etc. It's much bigger and heavier, far less portable, and far less stealable!

It's tempting, in times like this, to pray for those who have victimised us to get a taste of punishment, here, now. But Jesus teaches us something quite different. Yes, we live under a fair and just God, but He also is a God of mercy and infinite forgiveness - His grace is sufficient for all of us, who are sinners. By His grace, by the blood of Christ, we are made righteous. And we are to extend forgiveness likewise, to those who have done us wrong.

I'll finish now with the following parable that illustrates this kind of hypocrisy we are to avoid. God bless!

The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"

Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

"Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

"The servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.

"But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded.

"His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.'

"But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.

"Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

"This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart." - Matthew 18:21-35

Flock! And some other stuff...

It's been such a long time since the last time I've written in this online journal. This time it's about something called "Flock" - you'll find it here. It's reputed to be the first taste of Web 2.0 available, and well worth it too. I'm writing this blog from within Flock, so if you're reading this now, then at least this part of the software has done its job remarkably! Its other features include integration with Flickr (online photos) and Shadow (online favourites), and hopefully I'll begin to post photos on Flickr rather than simply being a photo-less parasite viewing other people's pictures. Step one would be to somehow get photos onto my computer, perhaps a camera would be useful?

Anyhow, here am I, yet another late night in front of the computer, facing yet another sleep-deprived day of patient care. Fortunately, I've somehow survived on basic sustenance levels of 6 or so hours of sleep daily - but this won't last much longer. I'm beginning to take evening naps, but hopefully instead of eating into my proper sleep time (like now), it will serve to boost my net amount of sleep and hence my energy levels. So goes the plan anyway.

Weekend saw me attend two 21sts - the first of which was Sal's! Yes, finally, after all this time, the party happened. A much belated 21st - and much fun for all! I'm glad to report I'm fine - yes, haven't become sick after consuming my own fried rice. The other food there was lovely too (thanks everyone), we all got entangled in the knot game, and many an embarrassing moment was made light of in the speeches. Not that there are many embarrassing moments to talk about for Sal, who is quite the angel.

I thought I'd take this opportunity to present an authorised (and much amended) version of my speech then - and paint a clearer, truer picture of Sal, and how much she means to me. Sorry for the strange anecdotes in the original one, Sal!

"I've now known Sal for almost two and a half years, and it's hard for me to think back and imagine life without her. She has been such a blessing to me in many ways, from the moment I met her I couldn't help but think (and know) that I'd met someone very special. So talented in many ways, I was amazed at her enthusiasm, her achievements, her dedication to God - and I just couldn't help but think that I wanted to know her more.

Our relationship was initially built on common interests, these being music and medicine, but as time progressed, I began to see that not only was she an amazing person on the outside, but also the inside. Her inner glow became more apparent - her truly caring heart combined with ambition gave rise to a wealth of dreams that I just wanted to share in and make happen. And these were more than just air castles - her mind is a fountain of dreams and ideas that are heartfelt and genuine.

One of these dreams was that of going abroad to study French and experience a new culture - and so she jetsetted halfway across the world to Montréal, away from family and friend for six months, to realise this dream. Going overseas for a holiday is one thing - going overseas and having to establish a life for oneself is a totally different matter altogether, a real test of character and mettle. Combined with the cold, harsh winter of Montréal in December, Sal built a new home, made new friends, joined orchestras and church groups, and went exploring. For one who had little prior experience of living independently away from home, this is quite an achievement!

Another of her dreams was improving her already excellent ability on the violin. In fact, so much was her desire to do this, that I first met her on the premise that we would talk about how best to go about achieving this dream, whether to aim for an associate diploma or not, given that medicine is so demanding already! At the end of last year, she did indeed earn her diploma - and I have been privileged to witness her growth and maturation as a musician, and it's a real delight listening to her.

While our relationship has been a wonderfully joyful one (certainly most of the time), we have also had our trials. Such times expose character, when one becomes vulnerable. I have to say, I am truly thankful for Sal's immense love and unfailing faithfulness in this regard - where many would find it too much, she persevered; where many would find me difficult to love, she loved me anyway. When I was silent for fear of being misunderstood, she would encourage me to speak. Our love may not be perfect, but then, we are given a lifetime to learn to love, practise loving, and grow in our relationship. Thank God!

I am blessed to know such a wonderful person, doubly blessed to share my life with her in such a special way. I am more certain of God's amazing creative power because of her - so beautiful a person, yet so talented, and even more amazing, that she could possibly love me in the way she does."

Missing you heaps, Sal. All the way where the phone can hardly reach in Marysville! Anyway, I guess I should sleep now. Thirteen hours of work tomorrow! God bless!

Too busy to B-L-O-G?!?

Hey all, yes it's been a long time since the last entry. I have so much to blog/write about - but at the same time, it's not really that important! In brief, I'm now doing the surgical resident job (colorectal surgery), which is busy, busy, busy - not the most busy, but just consistently so - just enough that I have scant time available to write blog entries. However, something very exciting has happened - Sal is back from her long absence abroad! So yes, when I return home all surgery'ed out at the end of the day, I have something to look forward to!

I have now become a "morning person" by necessity - starts at 7.30 every day, except for the few days when this becomes 7.00am (which necessitates arriving 15 minutes earlier, and waking up about an hour before that) - and the days are depressingly dark, with the sun still dim and beyond the horizon when I rise, and gone by the time I leave work in the evenings. I miss the sun! Not all is gloomy, though. Today (or tomorrow) is winter solstice - which means that the sunny parts of the day will only get longer from now on!

Murphy's law has proven itself quite reliable, unfortunately, over the last few weeks. Today was a great example of that. Twiddling our thumbs around 11am today, myself and my fellow surgical intern ("surgical intern" sounds better than "colorectal intern") were looking forward to an easy afternoon - a rarity in this job. He took the afternoon off, leaving me to do only a few, fairly easy jobs - but simply tedious. But as chance would have it, life took a turn for the worst for one of our patients who had surgery just yesterday - one of the clips decided to fall apart and bleed inside his tummy, making him very sore, and us very worried (and busy!). Most of my other jobs got knocked back to later on in the evening - it becomes very difficult to manage the ten other patients when one is so sick! Eventually, this man went to operating theatre around 6.30pm - and here's hoping that all goes well for his operation.

Murphy's law operated similarly yesterday - when a patient decided to turn up on our ward half dead and on his way to the afterlife, again making a lot of work for us! But I would probably call this one differently - it was a great stroke of luck that as he turned up on the ward, the nurse and I were able to assess him and recognise how severely ill he was to do something about it. One has to recognise that "do something about it" in this case meant "call for help!" - and before long, all the right people were in the one place, his life was saved, he was moved to intensive care - and although he's not yet out of the woods, at least he's not going further in!

Enough of my grumpy complaining, time to catch up on sleep, methinks! It will be good to finally get a proper eight hours of sleep - and hopefully wake up ready to face another day - another day at the office, another day that promises a whole heap of weird and wonderful surprises.

God bless!

Treasures of grace...

Arrrr! I have returned with great fortunes from the St Jude's expedition to seek the legendary treasures of grace! With the delightfully dysarthric purple-headed Pirate Pete as our guide, we set sail (along the Western Highway) for that land-girt island of Ballarat, where the St Jude's Passion Convention was held this year.

We were blessed with a wonderfully entertaining speaker in Rob Forsyth, bishop of that far-flung, outer-outer suburb of Melbourne they call South Sydney. Amid jibes along the lines of "they held the Commonwealth Games down here? Really? Oh, I hadn't heard", the cheeky outer-suburbs man had a great message to share, preaching from various passages in the Bible on "grace", in particular God's immense grace, His gift, embodied by the Son, Jesus Christ.

What is grace, but the free gift of life from our Creator, at once so immense and profound, yet so simple that children have but to merely hear to grasp it? God's grace is lavish, a gift of mercy and love that bestows power on the incapable, and is at once the power of our God, from the beginning to the end, and fulfilled in Christ.

It is important to grasp what this means, and Christ is indeed the centre of it all. Whereas man is sinful in his ways, God's righteous character will never allow Him to acquit the guilty - all humanity have sinned and fallen short of the grace of God, and in our natural state, we all stand condemned and have no right to the life given us. However, God's character is twofold - on one side is righteousness and truth, on the other facet is love and mercy. John puts this as "grace and truth" (John 1:14), and this paradox is more extensively proclaimed in Exodus 34:5-8.

So how are these reconciled? Does God forgive us and simply forget our sin? And if God forgives, does this mean that all our wrongdoing is of no consequence? By no means - God forgives, but it is only possible because, in the words of J. I. Packer, "Jesus Christ endured, exhausted the destructive, divine judgement for which we would otherwise have been inescapably destined"! Christ died for us because God loves us!

It's worth a pause here... The treasures we have thus uncovered are amazing, wouldn't you agree? Near the convention centre was Mt Buninyong, an extinct volcano peaking at 719 metres and with a lookout tower on top offering views of the valleys and hills around (no cityscape or anything busy like that, only rolling hills and spot fires at occasional intervals - apparently in the country, people like to light fires). The crater is not at the peak - rather it is a neat bowl-shaped formation in the side of the mountain, a convenient detour off the beaten path. Someone smart had brought a soccer ball and a frisbee, and we played in the crater, strangely unfazed by the thought that, should the volcano wake up, we would be obliterated. At least we are all confident of where we would go from there! The mountain, though, makes for a nice view in all directions - and some have set up home on the slopes, raising livestock, horses, and all manner of other introduced creatures, amid the native landscape and wildlife.


Back to convention - so what then of grace? What are the outworkings of God's grace? If we are declared righteous (in one fell swoop, we are already justified by the death of Christ on Calvary's cross!), then why should we stop sinning? Paul poses this very question in Romans 6. "Should we continue in sin in order that grace may abound?" He immediately answers, "By no means! How can we who died to sin go on living in it?" Thanks to the grace of our great God, we are a recreated person - we have a new identity in Christ! Our sin then is not from our new identity, but from our old ways, which we are to shed.

Rob poses the following analogy. Somewhere in the suburbs of Melbourne is the Condie Poison Gas Factory (for those who don't know, Richard Condie is the vicar of St Jude's), which produces all manner of colourless, odourless ammunition for nefarious criminals bent on destruction. They are true professionals, and have been responsible for terrorist attacks all around the world. Then, one day, for some very strange reason, the company is taken over. The board is completely scrapped and replaced, and it's now no longer the Condie Poison Gas Factory, but the Patrick Therapeutic Gases Factory (Tim Patrick is St Jude's youth minister!) - a completely new company, a completely new identity, with a mission to cure the world of all its diseases! However, the factory and shipping department are still sometimes putting out poison gases. How can this be? They are used to the old ways, old habits, and take time to change. So while the company is a completely new company, it is a matter of process before the old ways are replaced by new ways.

The new ways should look like our Lord, Jesus Christ. So grace is given to us, so grace is also worked out in us. Grace (Greek "charis") is translated in many other ways in the Bible - just take 2 Corinthians 8, for example. Charis is translated as "grace", "privilege", "generous undertaking", and "generous act" - all within the space of one chapter. So grace is given to us in Christ, so grace is also worked out in us through our new ways, which reflect Christ. It is not simply that which we receive, but that which we give - we are put in a position by God to give, to be generous, and this is also His grace.

Our God is amazing, yah? We are to receive His grace - and not be afraid to do so! His gift of grace is free, and it is the greatest gift we can receive. We might start out reluctant, but all we need to is "take, eat"! I will finish with this poem by George Herbert, entitled "Love", from "The Temple":

Love

"Love bade me welcome: yet my soul drew back,
Guiltie of dust and sinne.
But quick-ey’d Love, observing me grow slack
From my first entrance in,
Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning,
If I lack’d any thing.

A guest, I answer’d, worthy to be here:
Love said, You shall be he.
I the unkinde, ungratefull? Ah my deare,
I cannot look on thee.
Love took my hand, and smiling did reply,
Who made the eyes but I?

Truth Lord, but I have marr’d them: let my shame
Go where it doth deserve.
And know you not, sayes Love, who bore the blame?
My deare, then I will serve.
You must sit down, sayes Love, and taste my meat:
So I did sit and eat."
-George Herbert (1633)

Tired...

Yawn. Again. It's been my busiest fortnight to date, although a far cry from the 80 hour weeks and 3 day shifts our predecessors had to endure, 113 rostered hours (plus overtime) over two weeks is hard enough! I was happy to stroll in the misty rain this morning, having a moment to appreciate the autumn colours and the moist leaves blanketing the ground, for once not feeling like I needed to be somewhere in a few minutes. And my brain relished that opportunity, as my mind simply floated, far, far away, out of the reach of beckoning voices. I'd almost as well have been drifting towards the edge of the universe. But the soft fall of misty rain on my face kept me awake, and I smiled as I returned to reality, thanking God for the gift of peace, and rest.

At church, we continued the series on Colossians. How singleminded we ought to be as followers of Christ! If Ephesians 1 is a constant barrage reminding us of our new identity "in Christ", then Colossians 2 is also. And in Him, we find our new lives! Long gone is the rule of the world and its deceptive philosophies - instead we are raised above them, having had our worldly ways nailed to the cross and put to death, so that we can now rejoice with Him!

Unfortunately, I find that it's often so easy to slip backwards, to profess that we have received our new lives in Christ, but to also fail to "continue to live in Him", instead eyeing the "basic principles of this world". Essentially, such basic principles are spirits of self-centredness or human focus, and the "deceptive philosophy" that stems from this includes ideas of individualism, legalism, exclusiveness, and hostile competition, all of which are so prevalent in this world. In any situation (I don't think it would be unique to a career like medicine), there are always dangers of ignoring God and instead relying on ideas of human origin to deal with the situation. If we think about it, it's absurd that we will happily yield some parts of our lives to God, and not other parts - as if we know better than God in our so-called fields of expertise!

While I'm on blogger - just a shout-out to Sal in France:
** HaPPy 21st! **
Party on way through the night!
Love you, & missing you heaps!

Anywayz, sleep beckons. God bless! And goodnight!

Of Anzac day and rabbits...

Thanks to Yi-Ning for sending me this wonderful article about the frivolous, furry ball of fun we call the rabbit, and what this has to do with one person's walk with God! My mind is now rejuvenated, filled with phantasms of flipping, flopping, fluffy things that approximate the fluffiness of this horribly hopeless alliterator. Once tired, a bit of humour is better than the best tonic at transforming a soul from aimlessness to energetic direction. And hence this blog comes into existence.

Well, far apart from rabbits, the people here at Queen's hold a Monday evening program, which tonight comprised an eye-opening talk by a historian on the Anzac legend. The fact that we now have a public holiday in honour of a group of people, who almost a century ago fought in a battle halfway across the world, is a testament to the importance of the legend in the identity of Australia as a nation. At the time, Australia was still a youthful nation, barely a teenager (an infant as far as nations are concerned), and determined to prove its worthiness in its own right. And the battle of Gallipolli, a wonderfully tragic example of the contrast between brazen optimism and devastating reality, was where Australia did build its identity - although not in the way, it would seem, was originally anticipated.

The plan at the time was for Allied troops to storm the shores in a landing, whereupon the Turks (seen as vastly inferior, almost a joke) would then flee at the sight of the landing - thus leaving the Dardanelles undefended, opening up a water channel between the Mediterranean and eastern waters, and spelling the neutralisation of the Ottoman empire. Troops, as bold and brash youngsters, were full of confidence in this plan - but the rest, as you know, is history. The numbers of dead mounted and rose - the naïve strategy and underestimation of an enemy led to the death of 132,000 individuals on both sides. The battle, anticipated to be a pushover, became a war of attrition and a mass graveyard.

Why does this tale of loss and tragedy then go on to define a nation? And why war? I wonder, is it because of the nationalistic idealism that such death stands for? Or, perhaps, is it the complete opposite - the nationalistic unity that emerges from a communal grieving process? The answer, it seems, is both. On the side of nationalistic idealism stand the tales of individual heroism and bravery that came from the legendary battle. More than once have we heard of the soldier who dragged his injured mate to safety, and the one who kept going in the face of fire to land in hostile trenches and cause havoc amongst the enemy. Such heroism, such bravery, is the sort of ideal that becomes universal, crossing boundaries of rank and race, and this has become definitive of the Anzac spirit. On the other side, however, the massive number of Australian casualties cannot be ignored - and families were left fragmented, children left without fathers, wives without husbands, parents without children - a truly unanticipated outcome.

Over the next decades, the legendary status of Anzac became something to commemorate - and Anzac day was born. The march of veterans has been seen as a day to remember those who offered themselves in service of the nation, the loss of lives, and the tales of bravery. However, it has been met with controversy in all the times of its establishment.

Since its conception, Anzac day has been criticised for its seeming glorification of the grusomeness of war. Many people lost their lives needlessly, and have continued to do so in the many wars that have followed the Great War (ironically once thought to be the war to end all wars). No century has been more war-ridden than the 20th century, and given the political climate of the world today, it seems that this century may be even more bloody than the last. Each year, as soldiers are paraded to the shrine, children are fired up about the idea of fighting glorious battles - energised by the spirit of Anzac, and no doubt filled with the same brazen enthusiasm and confidence of those once young before they set off on the fateful ships to Gallipolli. It seems that experience is the best teacher. War veterans are the first to voice their opposition to needless sacrifice of lives in needless battles. They've been there, and they alone know like no other how terrible a waste it would be. Yet, it is the inexperienced who are in charge of the decision of whether or not to go to war. The Iraq war is a great example of such contrast - a needless war and excessive loss of life, waged to sate the whims of those in secure offices far from the front lines. In the Vietnam war, the soldiers were villified - but it was not their decision that the war should be fought in the first place. Perhaps the real villains were right at the other end of the chain of command, those who know very little the traumas of war.

Today, the greater controversy is in the commercialisation and capitalisation of Anzac day. It is a tragedy - we have sport, products, and spectacles that take advantage of it, in the name of commemoration, but they are little more than an attempt at capitalisation. This is far from the spirit that was so powerful as to stop the nation, transcend the barriers of rank and race, and call the name of Anzac sacred (so much so that in 1925, it was protected by law against commercial use).

In the end, I hope that this commemorative day does serve as a reminder of the tragedy of war, and how we ought to be involved in a concerted effort for its opposite, peace. Jesus said, "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God" - Matthew 5:10. About the tragedy of war, I can't sum it up better than the poet Wilfred Owen, in his poem "Dulce Et Decorum Est":

"Dulce Et Decorum Est"
Wilfred Owen

Bent double, like old beggars under sacks,
Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,
Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs
And towards our distant rest began to trudge.
Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots
But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame; all blind;
Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots
Of disappointed shells that dropped behind.

GAS! Gas! Quick, boys!-- An ecstasy of fumbling,
Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time;
But someone still was yelling out and stumbling
And floundering like a man in fire or lime.--
Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light
As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.

In all my dreams, before my helpless sight,
He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.

If in some smothering dreams you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin;
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,--
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old Lie: Dulce et decorum est
Pro patria mori.

Blankness...

Like the emptiness of space, my mind floats, drifting, a vessel without aim. Through the chasm of expansiveness, my eyes stare, glazed, into an imagined reality - the world that holds me fast, a world of cares and obligation and responsibility, that finds me thinking about one thing one moment, and another thing the next, and tricks me into believing it all matters. These eyes might as well be a machine's - each move a reflex, and thousands upon thousands of these each day mount up to exhaustion.

Yes, exhaustion - the point upon which life's release into the true reality is found - one slows down and steps out of his narrow-mindedness, and a measure of realisation dawns that our lives are of so little consequence in the end, and none of it really matters - then, only then, do we realise why we do what we do.

Back to reality. I need to sleep.

Happy Easter!

Hey all, it’s been such a long time since my last update and I thought I ought to say something at least (even if not much). I am back in Melbourne now, having completed my emergency rotation in Mildura, and am working at Western Hospital as part of the general medical unit, which is quite a change of pace! Of course there are still stressful times – however, they are but mere moments amidst a sea of tranquillity, relatively speaking. For the first time, I feel far less guilty about taking a short break for lunch, and despite the longer hours, I have more energy to enjoy my time at the end of the day relaxing, hanging out, rather than simply slumping, exhausted, on the proverbial hay.

I caught up with a friend from my old high school today, Vince – he lives so close to me now, just five minutes’ drive away. He’s settling into a new job also, this time in the field of biomedical product manufacturing (things like plasma, factor concentrates etc). We ended up going to Max Brenner's chocolate haven for some hot chocolate, just the way to cool down after a busy week. It’s such a blast from the past, catching up with Vince – hearing about one person getting married, another person in India, yet another in Dubai, all creating havoc wherever they go! He has a cosy apartment, and the view from the rooftop is amazing in the starry night, overlooking the sleepy Melbourne cityscape on Easter eve.

Yes, it’s Easter. And I can't help but feel for my poor patients who are destined to spend this time cooped inside a hospital, being poked and prodded for blood and drips, being attended to by disgruntled doctors and nurses who were not spared the weekend shift. It's not the most fun kind of life, really, and it's quite a disempowering experience to be a patient. It's hard enough having to live with a debilitating illness. I imagine it must be doubly hard to hear the news that they are not yet fit to go home the day before Easter. If it's any consolation, perhaps even the diabetic patients ought to receive a big, juicy, diabetogenic chocolate egg! (And a big whack of insulin just beforehand)

Yet, regardless of our circumstances, now starts a time of celebration – a festival commercially linked with clearance sales and chocolate intoxication – a festival that serves, for Christ’s followers, as a stark reminder of the amazing sacrifice made by our Saviour, shedding His own blood at the cross. And for those who work, it’s either a time for holidays and going away, or a time for lamentation of the lack of such holiday (somewhat compensated for by the increased remuneration over the weekend). I pray that we can focus on the true meaning of Easter this year, and remember soberly the death of Jesus on Friday, the blood He shed as He took the punishment in full for our sins. I pray also that we rejoice and celebrate His glorious resurrection, and the eternal hope we have in it this Sunday!

So, without further ado, have a Happy Easter, eat some good chocolate, and God bless!

There are fish in the Yarra?!?

It's my last week in mildura this week, and since I have Wednesday and Thursday off, I decided to pop back to Melbourne for a couple days break. But so many things have changed - the Commonwealth Games on, the Grand Prix around the corner - and there are fish in the Yarra! Yes, fish in the Yarra! 72 to be precise, and well - not in the Yarra, but floating on the surface (I guess if there were ever fish to be found in the Yarra, floating on the surface would be exactly where they'd end up rather quickly). But it's quite a display, each fish a unique piece representing a country of the Commonwealth. How Australia ended up with the eel I don't know - what happened to good old barramundi or Murray cod?

I have to say, I've had a pretty good first rotation as an intern - I've done my fair share of ranting, and I definitely haven't liked everything I've seen so far, but there's a strangely good feeling about having (nearly) completed the rotation and having come quite far as a doctor in this time.

One thing I can't help but notice though, is that things seem to come in waves. I distinctly remember early on in my rotation, I saw three patients with fractured femoral necks in very quick succession. Then came a run of wounds that needed suturing - well, they're quite commonplace, but there were a few very tricky ones (places like the scalp, face, fingers) in a short time. Then there were the dreaded abscesses - painful for the patient, not particularly pleasant for those of us who need to cut them open either (although Sharon claims to find it a strangely satisfying thing to see the pus ooze out - I don't quite understand, unless she means in the same way you feel "satisfied" after visiting the bathroom for relief). The epidemic of abscesses might well have been explained by the run of 40+ degree days that sent all of Mildura packing to the Murray and diving in. Including me. But I guess I got lucky, spared the trauma of developing any horrible pus-filled lumps. Then towards the end of the rotation came a run of positive troponins! I went so far, sending troponins off for any chest pain suspicious of AMI, none turning up a positive result (happy for the patient) until just last week. We had a standing joke that anyone with chest pain ought to see me - and it would turn out not to be a heart attack. Then, all of a sudden, two patients in a row return with positive troponins! Into hospital with the diagnosis of NSTEMI, and the unfortunate news that they've had a heart attack.

One drawback of working in the emergency department is that there is very little opportunity to follow up patients over time and see how they go in hospital. So, I had the unique opportunity to carry on some continuity of care when I moonlighted as the medical ward resident last weekend. I was happy to see how the patients I'd seen in emergency were improving, even to see that the patients remembered me and seemed happy to see me again. The poor guy who I had to inform about his metastatic cancer was still all smiles - understanding the weight of his diagnosis and prognosis, his friend took it much harder than he did. I don't know that I would be so stoic, if I were given the same news.

The negative things I've seen during the rotation, I hope will serve as teaching points for me. I've learnt the destructiveness of rumour-mongering and harbouring complaints. I hope that I don't fall into that sort of behaviour - it's unfortunately all too prevalent in the stressful, competitive world of medicine. I'm glad to have been blessed with good friends and understanding peers - and a caring, loving soulmate on the other side of the world! It's true, if we don't seek help and understanding from true friends, it'd be easy to get swallowed up in the culture and spiral down a black hole. There's almost no wonder that two registrars recently took their own lives - self administering lethal quantities of drugs found in the hospital (although one of them, it seems, was after a relationship breakdown).

In the end, I am thankful to God for the opportunities He has given - I just hope that I can embrace them, know His will, and make the most of each one. Till next time, God bless!

Nostalgic timeglass...

Tonight, for some mysterious reason, I decided to look back upon my blog to its humble beginnings over a year ago, and think about change. This is the beauty of blogs, or of diaries, indeed - of any written record of thoughts contemplating the future. One can look back, reflect, and gaze as if through a timeglass, into the thoughts of the one that was. And predictions are borne out or falsified, resolutions are kept or broken, moods and thoughts develop. All these things seem far more interesting than a simple snapshot, a cross-section in time, that flashes a vivid picture and then is suddenly no more. But it's amazing to look back and see change. And it's even more amazing to think that our God, who transcends time, has view of all these things at once!

This bug has undergone a lot of change in the 14 months since this blog started, that's for sure. Now no longer "just a student", but a "doctor"; perhaps a couple of kilos lighter and less obsessed with chocolate; in Mildura and not Melbourne; with Sal on the other side of the world; owning a new car. The list could go on for a while. But so many of those changes are far less important than the changes inside - although it would be wrong to say that changes inside are independent of these external ones.

I think one of the biggest changes is my becoming far busier. Being busy, I think, has caused me to grow in the world's sense of the word "grow". This far into work as an intern, I've had to take a quantum leap in mindset to deal with being directly responsible for patients' welfare. Working life is also time consuming with most shifts lasting ten hours, and some lasting well over that. Sometimes, I'll come home from work and simply be so exhausted that all I'll do is flop on the bed and dream of sleep. And then I'll wake up in the morning, lights still on, my clothes still on, and look at the clock - panicking at the fact I need to be at work in under half an hour! Thanks to God, I haven't yet been late for a shift (well, not excessively so, anyhow). So far, I've learnt to deal with these things, and I'm definitely improving with regard to time management. Certainly, in the emergency department, one learns how to be efficient (although it may not seem so to the patients - who, understandably, have to put up with exorbitant waiting times while we wait for beds to become available, and for pathology to process our blood results, or radiologists to report scans - leading to the prevalent sighs of doctors in the department, "oh, where are my bloody bloods!") Indeed, times can be frustrating - but we grow up and learn how to deal with frustration, become desensitised, and become far more machine-like. Even out of work, there is little time spare to cater for our domestic needs (some would argue cravings) - time spent shopping, eating, sleeping, and surfing the net (probably one of my worst timesinks!). It leaves little room for thought, for dreaming, for imagination - the things that cause one to be both interesting and interested at the same time. And so it is with being busy.

I can't help but think that in all this, I've fallen a bit into a state of thought poverty. Instead of being busy thinking (as I was when I started Elkandren's Whisper), I find myself busy with a whole host of other things. Now, thought tends to take a back seat. Far from being foremost in my mind, the quest for meaning, for answering interesting questions like "what better things are there for me to be thinking about than this?", takes a back seat to the incessant worries of how my patient from earlier on in the day is coping with the antibiotics I prescribed. Even dreams are themed on decisions about a patient's management. And then, as exemplified by one of my patients just yesterday (who spontaneously reverted from atrial fibrillation back to sinus rhythm), the vast majority of patients we deal with would get better anyway, and 90% of the time we're intervening for no good reason.

And see, as I grow older, I become more cynical. Kids don't have this same level of worry, and they are full of the most interesting thoughts. Adults are weighed down by terrible grievances, age only wearies them, and woe betide them about every little thing that goes on! There's no wonder that ketamine is such a great drug in kids, and such a poor drug in adults. It's an anaesthetic whose effect includes that of inducing dreams. And it's the adults who come out from under its influence complaining of the worst nightmares, while children enjoy floating on clouds, seeing fields of flowers, and their favourite animals. Kids set for us an example that goes far beyond their cuteness and innocence, what adults often call "ignorance". We should be more like children, with an open mind - as Jesus taught us, we ought to come to Him as children, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.

Perhaps in the end, I simply need to look at myself, take a breath, take a step back, and reflect. Jesus took many sidetracks along His journey to the cross, paying attention to things around Him, taking time out for prayer and contemplation, all the while on a life mission infinitely more important than my medical career! I need to follow His example more closely, and make once again more time for thought and reflection, for attending to the details that He has put in our lives, the many ways He reveals Himself to us every day. When I look back at the start of my blog, I realise how I was able to grow (in the true sense of the word) so much at the time - through reflection, reading God's word, and really seeking to dwell in Him. Although I have grown, it's important to know that now is no time to stagnate. I pray that God will help me continue to seek Him earnestly, and free up time to do so, to think on things which are important. I pray that God will help me continue to grow in the true sense of the word, God's wisdom, rather than in the worldly sense. And I hope that this blog, my public thought forum, will become far richer for it!

Quick update...

It's been a while since my last instalment, so I might as well take this pre-slumber window of time to write a quick blog update. I guess, basically, I haven't had the most exciting couple of weeks lately, hence haven't felt the need to write anything - mostly been working (did a hard seven day stretch last week, which was exhausting and depressing), but on the up-side have had a little time to catch up with some old friends who are in their final year of med school, enjoying their last taste of relative freedom before the relentless holiday-less stretch of work as an intern begins.

James and Eric spent Thursday evening up here in Mildura, unable to resist the temptation of good food and wine to be had at Stefano's! It was a real treat, six courses of really well prepared mediterranean food, ranging from the entrée cold meat and salad, to stuffed calamari, to lamb roast, and the almost oversweet caramel dessert. Each course was accompanied by a glass of hand-picked matching wine, whether they be local or imported from Italy. After the wining and dining, the food was allowed to digest while we turned our eyes heavenward and enjoyed the country starscape featuring Jupiter near the horizon - you can see jus so much more in the country!

Spent the weekend in Melbourne - the drive so tiring and exhausting, just over five hours by the most direct route, precluded me from fully enjoying the time. I'm sure it didn't help my attempts to play violin again. The last time I played would have been about two months ago! Even so, I had fun reacquainting myself with it, battling through the Mozart A-major concerto. Also, popped into uni - found out I'm going to be giving tutes in physiology, so I thought to brush up on that with a copy of Ganong - and at the same time got some Chinese books to start learning Chinese with. Am enrolled in evening courses, so I'm really determined to get started and learning again (I haven't taken Chinese lessons for 14 or so years now!).

Uni brings back so many memories of my time there. Even though I'm so new to working, it still feels so nostalgic, as if it were years and not months ago that I was there. More vividly, it reminds me of Sal - as we first met at uni, and spent a fair bit of our time together at uni, doing activities, or jus hanging out. I know that my time at uni wasn't always happy, but it remains that almost every memory I have as I walk around is a happy memory. I guess that's the same for most things when I try to look back - mostly the happy stuff stays in my head, and not many stressful or negative emotional memories at all. I wonder whether we are simply selective with what we remember? Or perhaps it's just that each time a stressful or negative event occurs, we magnify it so it dominates our thinking at the time? (and therefore, they aren't seen as significantly when we look back upon them) Or maybe our negative memories are selectively suppressed.

Am missing Sal heaps, more and more each day. Even more so when we webcam - somehow instead of necessarily bringing us closer, it manages to jus reinforce and emphasise the fact of our physical separation. Looking forward to the day when we don't need technology to see each other again.

Anywayz, off to sleep - haven't really said much this time, and am too tired to say any more really. If you're bored in the meantime, check out this set of riddles! Good luck!

Who am I in Christ?

I am...

A Child of God (Rom 8:16)
Saved by Grace through Faith (Eph 2:8)
Redeemed from the Hand of the Foe (Ps 107:2)
An Heir of Eternal Life (1 John 3:11-12)
Forgiven (Eph 1:7)
Led by the Spirit of God (Rom 8:14)
A New Creature (2 Cor 5:17)
Redeemed from the Curse of the Law (Gal 3:13)
Kept in Safety Wherever I Go (Isa 46:4)
Strong in the Lord and in His Mighty Power (Eph 6:10)
Living by Faith and Not by Sight (2 Cor 5:7)
Rescued from the Dominion of Darkness (Col 1:13)
Justified (Rom 5:1)
An Heir of God and Co-heir with Christ (Rom 8:17)
Blessed with Every Spiritual Blessing (Eph 1:3)
An Overcomer by the Blood of the Lamb and the Word of My Testimony (Rev 12:11)
The Light of the World (Mt 5:14)
An Imitator of God (Eph 5:1)
Healed by His Wounds (1 Pet 2:24)
Being Transformed by the Renewing of My Mind (Rom 12:2)
Heir to the Blessings of Abraham (Gal 3:14)
Doing All Things through Christ who Gives me Strength (Phil 4:13)
More than a Conqueror (Rom 8:37)

Mildura hit-and-run...

Weekend tragedy - five, and now six, teenage lives lost needlessly. First, the shock, and now the anger, spreads throughout the close knit small town. Many ask the question, why could this be allowed to happen? Why should they die, and their killer - a drunk man, driving with his child on his lap - live? The danger period is not yet over, physical scars still threatening fragile lives, and emotional ones running still deeper, and lasting far longer.

I was fortunate not to be on shift when this happened, but far away in Melbourne, meeting the students I will be tutoring this year. The hospital had been packed, a kind of controlled chaos, taxing on all involved - doctors, nurses, ambulance, not least the victims and their families.

Whenever a tragedy like this hits, it is a sobering reminder of how small we are in the universe. Without warning, lives are taken away, and it could happen to anyone at any time - yet the universe continues on its course, predominantly unfazed by the transition of a speck of life (of light, of hope, of love) into eternal disappearance. We are made to feel so insignificant, yet our feelings are so great and true, that we cannot reconcile our existence with such an abrupt destiny. Can it be that life exists no more, beyond death?

Call it my stubborn denial, or refusal, or whatever - but God's message is a reassuring reminder to me that, in death, we are joined in heavenly reunion with our Creator. And this, I hope and pray, is the destiny of those who died on the weekend. Jesus died, but He also rose again from the grave to appear before at least 5,000 individuals after His death, in one of the best documented controversies of ancient history. In Christ, we have hope in this world, and much more - we have a certain future with God. Only in His love can we rest peacefully tonight.

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On a much brighter note - I received Sal's Valentine's card yesterday, so cute, so beautiful! Despite our distance, it's so awesome that love refuses to be bound by physical constraints. Thanks for all your love, ladybug!

End of another week - start of another weekend...

Phew, today the hot weather returned! Just as the Commonwealth Games torch arrived in town, it was boiling enough outside without needing to heat up even more with a flame! The main mall in town was all closed off, along with some of the main streets, but hardly seemed like the whole town was there - jus a small crowd for the stageshow, and another small crowd watching the watermelon eating competition. Traditional Samoan and Pacific Island dancers shared acts with Koori troupes, with quite fascinating costuming and energetic choreography.

Energetic was quite the opposite of how i've been feeling most of today tho - last night completed a 15 hour day, from start to finish, and flopped on my bed, woke up at 6am this morning with my clothes still on and the room still bright! Had to still start early today - but thankfully, I have the next 3 days off (yay, can Skype with Sal 2moro!) - and am going back to Melbourne, to meet the first year students for my first official tutoring job at Queen's college.

Today - did my first lumbar puncture. Too scared as a student to do one, but then again most hospitals had policies that students weren't to be doing LPs anyway. The lady was quite large, so identification of the landmarks was quite difficult - but the needle went in fine after one first attempt hitting bone. Unfortunately, even with the needle (which is a pretty impressive needle, abt 15cm long) all the way to the hilt, all that dripped out was blood (known technically as a "bloody tap"), so it wasn't helpful in the end - the lab rang back saying that they couldn't analyse the sample. Poor lady, wouldn't wish that upon anyone - tho her condition was so terrible anyhow, after presenting with an indeterminate cause for altered conscious state, she's now requiring intensive care for airway management. For the rest of my patients, the news was far better - some category two patients I had the pleasure of sending them home with good news and no need for hospital admission. Needless to say, they were also very pleased about the results.

Anywayz, off to sleep soon, am yawning incessantly - at least I have a flight ahead tomorrow instead of a long energy-sapping drive. Till next time, au revoir, and God bless!

Melbourne weekend...

Hey all, back in Melbourne now, if only fleetingly. Quite enjoying the relaxation and having home cooked meals again, catching up with family, and catching up with some (much needed) piano practice! Haven’t touched an instrument for so many weeks, so it was quite awkward and tense playing the first few scales and finding my coordination isn’t anything like what it used to be! I needed three goes just to get my hands together playing an E-flat major scale! Shuddering at the thought of how horrible my technique will be when the ten weeks in Mildura ends, and I have access to a piano once again. Thankfully, the hands still remember a few little pieces, including most of the first movement of Beethoven’s violin/piano sonata No. 1, which I’ll hopefully have in a somewhat more practised state when Sal gets back in a few months.

My parents and brother haven’t changed a whole heap. My room at home is still the controlled mess I left it in a few weeks ago – papers and envelopes scattered across the desk waiting for my delayed attention, a credit card statement with a daunting due payment, calendars and books, a bedside table emptied of all the photos, books and objects that I cling tightly to whenever I travel. My parents were eager as ever to share in the spoils of my first couple of paycheques, and we enjoyed a yum cha lunch at Shark Fin, our usual hideout. They’re also hanging out for the dinner at Stefano’s when they come visiting Mildura. As for my brother, he’s finally learnt to come to grips with driving the Magna (our sixteen year-old car – ah, so many memories!), and he continues to throw confusion into his diurnal rhythm, out at night til late visiting friends or partying, then coming home and waking up with the birdcalls in the morning.

Have been asked by so many people about how I’m finding intern life. Apart from being still under a hill (no longer a mountain) of annoying paperwork, I feel things are slowly being sorted out. I’m getting used to the whole working routine, although the mood is still one of groaning and reluctance each morning. Facing the day, waking up alone, knowing Sal is half a world away, is often depressing. But I know that I need to overcome this spectre of gloom and be thankful for the countless blessings I share in. I have a poster and a cross on the wall of my room in Mildura that remind me of my identity in Christ – they’re a great source of encouragement when I feel down, and help me get out of bed in the morning.

Once out of bed though, there’s no time really to stop and think about things – just make sure that I’m fed well enough, making myself presentable, and then fronting up at the Emergency Department, ready for another day. I think the biggest challenge is just remaining calm and trusting in the training we’ve received over the years, when confronted with such variety – anything from the chronic hypochondriac, to cardiac arrests, to traumas, to suicidal patients. The other day, I had to do my first seclusion order, which is when a doctor is required to assess a patient in seclusion room from medical perspective. In summary, check their pulse, breathing, hydration, alertness and orientation, and whatever other medical problems they might have. It sounds scary when one wonders about why on earth the patient was put in seclusion in the first place! Usually, they’re aggressive or unstable, and the doctor comes with a mini army of other personnel to help bring any trouble under control, should it arise. But the patient I was called to assess was quite docile and cooperative when I arrived, sick of being cooped up in a blank room. The poor girl, about my age, was already on such a long list of medications – it’s not surprising that her personality’s so unstable when she’s on so many psychotropic drugs.

The bulk of an intern’s work, though, is clerical. Requesting X-rays, chasing pathology results, documenting cases, reading old histories, researching management options, writing letters to GPs, and organising consultations with specialists, all takes up far more time than actually seeing the patients. It can be frustrating (for patients as well), especially in the cases where more time is spent waiting for results to come back than actually doing things. That said, I’m very fortunate to be working in the emergency department, since it offers such a great opportunity to see an incredible variety of patients (complete with interesting personalities and stories to tell), to do procedures of all sorts (plasters, sutures, needle and surgical drainage of abscesses, IV cannulation, fracture reduction), and to learn from it all.

Back to Mildura tomorrow, armed with a stack of new CD’s for the long drive up, and hopefully refreshed for another week in the sunny orange land. Till next time, God bless!

Long time, no blog...

Long time, no update! Weeks later, I finally get internet at the flat here in Mildura. Not in my room though, have to come across to Sharon's for wireless access - we speculate it's probably the people immediately downstairs from her room who probably have the wireless router. Theoretically, I could sit outside and use it too, just that here where the average top temperature has been around 40 degrees Celsius, one would much rather be inside where there is air-conditioning. Thanks to our anonymous neighbours for having internet that we can piggyback on and use! ;p

This is my third week now of working here. Am working in the Emergency Department in this intriguing hospital - one of a rare breed of privately run public hospitals (who ever thought of such a system before?). The result of this arrangement is that we end up with a nicely furnished facility that looks quite homely, mismatched with an antiquated computer system (it took 10 minutes to recover when there was a power blackout) on which to get results, look up patient details etc. The ED work here is very much like a general practice mixed in with only the odd serious case (what would be far more commonplace in a big city hospital), since there are so few bulk-billing doctors here in Mildura. So we end up dealing with a lot of coughs, colds, cuts, and such like, we need to get adjusted to the mindset of sending a patient away from hospital with almost no intervention quite a lot of the time. As students in big city hospitals, we've become far more accustomed to admitting patients, giving drips, IV medications and fluids, operating, and having patients rapidly go downhill with hospital acquired infections, that sending the patient away having hardly done anything is actually quite a difficult thing to get the head around. That said, there have been several serious cases - some of mine have been admitted with surgical problems (e.g. two appendiceal abscesses, one with obstructive jaundice), and a couple with medical problems (one with atrial flutter, another was a lymphoma patient with anaemia for management). One patient I've had to transfer to Adelaide for further investigation, and one wanted to be transferred to the private hospital. Even the cushy furnishings of Mildura Base weren't luxurious enough - or perhaps the prospect of being examined and interviewed by students wasn't appealing.

Oh, that's another thing we've had to get used to. As interns, we now have some responsibility for the education of our future medical professionals (oh dear)! I have to say though, I quite enjoy having students to teach. They ask me questions, I supervise procedures, and at the same time I keep learning. They're very nice too - the two ED students are both Christians, whom I saw at Church on Sunday, and it's refreshing to see this side of their personality, a good reminder that they (and I) are not limited in our identity with the medical profession. Even the more senior doctors (the registrars, not the consultants) have been very sociable with us, we've been to several dinners, even the local Irish pub. One of the surgical registrars surprised me with a medical history including gout (likely alcohol-related) and his seemingly insatiable smoking habit. One of the consultant surgeons had been similar, but now chews gum in lieu of lighting up. His wife had died of smoking-related cancer of the lung.

So, what is there to do around Mildura? Small country town - yes. But the surroundings are rich with famous wineries, Lindeman's and Trentham Estate among them. Have a bottle of Lindeman's port here, waiting for the perfect dessert to accompany. And what better to accompany some of the country's finest wineries than some of the country's finest restaurants! Several decades ago, a man named Stefano de Pieri settled in Mildura and began cooking. His humble Italian restaurant became the talk of the town, and a restaurant became an empire. If you're enjoying fine food in one of Mildura's many restaurants, then chances are you're eating in one of Stefano's. The Avoca was our venue last Wednesday, an idyllic double decker boat on the Murray river, and the cuisine was quite special - fettucine Gorgonzola with antipasto, Barramundi from the river, and the softest crème caramel I've tasted - a real culinary delight. Then there is Stefano's itself, the pinnacle of dining in Mildura. That's for another time, and we will see whether the restaurant lives up to its boast as the only three-hat restaurant in the state outside of Melbourne.

When we're not working or eating, it's swimming. The heat here can be quite amazing. It was like going to Montréal, thinking we could handle the weather, and ending up spending several days inside because it was simply too cold. Likewise, here, we thought we could handle the Mildura heat - apart from the fact that it keeps topping the weather forecasts, we'd put up with 40+ degree days before in Melbourne. It couldn't be too bad. But coming here is another thing entirely, and 40+ for day after day with no relief is quite unbearable! Most of the days, thankfully, have been spent indoors one way or another. Many of them were spent working. But swimming can be done for $5 in the indoor pool (which would be considered quite a hot pool by most people's standards, but is really cool relief compared to the outdoor heat), or for free in the Murray River. The river is actually quite nice to swim in, apart from the fact that visibility is so short underwater. It's not the cleanest river around, but much better than the Yarra for sure! Still, there's often an influx of earache patients after a hot day - history of swimming in the river, ear pain. Luckily I have managed to escape the otitis externa so far.

Have seven and a half weeks left here. Mostly things have been enjoyable so far, but not always. Sometimes I'm bored. Sometimes it's lonely. Sometimes I feel like breaking and sleeping and not waking up for weeks. Or going on a long drive back to Melbourne for not much reason at all. And I miss Sal heaps. Sometimes all I want is her smile, her presence, to hug her. But I know that God will carry me through. We've survived so far, and at least we can look forward to seeing one another again.

Enough for one blog. Hope to write again soon. Til next time, God bless!

Off to Mildura...

Tomorrow I'm leaving for Mildura, to begin my first day as a responsible doctor in a hospital, an emergency intern. It's a position feared by many, sounding ominous on paper (to be working in the emergency department in a rural area), but it's actually not as bad as it sounds. We're actually quite well supported in our role, the consultants who supervise us are understanding, and it's an excellent opportunity for learning and development. I hope that it turns out to be that way.

Another thing is the seven hour drive, and scorching heat. Buried in the northwest corner of Victoria, Mildura is famous for its heat, averaging a maximum of 32C in January, and recording a highest ever temperature in excess of 50C! I hope there's not too much hostile weather, or else I'll find myself working overtime.

The job itself sounds quite cushy, averaging 41 hour weeks (contrast that with the 60+ hour weeks some of my friends are starting off with!), every second weekend off and occasional weekdays off. We also get two return flights paid for, which is a bonus. Also, Sharon is coming up to work in the surgery team! So, at least I'll always have a close friend nearby. Praying for a safe drive up, hoping for good weather.

Enough about work - today is a day of celebration! Congratulations to Pearl and Martin on their marriage! It was a beautiful wedding - although today was just formalities to register marriage in Australia, there was a video of the ceremony in Korea, everything from the procession, taking of vows, photo shoots, traditional Korean music, and all sorts of traditional Korean ceremonial manoeuvres that I didn't fully understand with lots of bowing, pouring and sipping of drinks. Pearl's wedding dress was like out of a fairytale, and she was made up to near perfection with her hair done up in a traditional wreath like a halo above her angelic face. It was interesting, the move from the more Western formal Church ceremony to the traditional Korean ceremony. The bride had to exchange her dress for a coloured silk gown, as did all the other women in the family. Another cross-cultural touch was the playing of Pachelbel's canon on Korean stringed instruments.

Best wishes to you both, Pearl and Martin! May God bless you with many happy years together, overflowing with love, and honouring Him who created you!

Time now to sleep. Oh, lonely sleep, without Sal around. Am missing her so much. It's really so true, the saying that home is where the heart is. I feel like a stranger in this house sometimes. Anyhow, next time I update, I'll probably be in the land of oranges and wine, Mildura. Till next time, God bless!

Oh, back now...

Have arrived once again in Melbourne, came back a couple of days ago. I'm a picture of tiredness and lack of motivation - jet lag? or more like the kind of blues that sets in when you miss someone so much? I don't think it's yet fully hit me, the truth that I'm no longer overseas and on holiday, spending every moment with Sal. I mean, it's obvious to me, but I'm still like a stunned mullet, simply swimming along in the stream of time, but doing little more than existing. Activities of life are more like chores now without Sal around to share them with. Other things - like sorting out my medical registration, setting up my bank account, talking to the people at Queen's to arrange accommodation for the year - get done out of sheer necessity. But when I'm doing things like that, I'm able to put on a successful façade of cheeriness, putting my true feelings behind me to simply observe and not interfere.

Sal, it's such an emptiness without you. Time passes so slowly now, while the past month seemed to go like a flash. Around you, everything seemed so much more vibrant and exciting, the mundane became thrilling, and it was awesome simply to discover all sorts of things during our adventures together. I guess I recognise that this had to come eventually, where I'd have to come back here and work, and leave you to study there. Maybe I wasn't prepared for the emotional difficulty, but I'm sure things will get better as time goes on, and the time draws closer to your return.

There's no shortage of stuff to deal with here at home though. While we were away, a pile of letters accumulated on my desk for me to deal with, most things dealing with starting work next week, one 21st invite for this Saturday (the RSVP was two weeks ago), and a few other bits and pieces. So I still have been running around doing things during the day, and today I officially became registered as a doctor. Just in time for work. Am slowly making my way through the papers, phonecalls, etc. to set everything in place. So much effort required just in this transition period, and I'm glad to have accommodation pretty much already sorted out so I don't become snowed under by all that as well. Coming back to Melbourne has also meant a return to the land of hay fever. I didn't count, but as I tried to return to sleep this morning (having woken up a bit too early) I sneezed about thirty times straight! I hope to adjust to this soon.

Shall sign out now. Thank God for His comfort, and the sense of perspective that we gain by looking to the cross and putting Him at the centre of our lives.