Nostalgic timeglass...

Tonight, for some mysterious reason, I decided to look back upon my blog to its humble beginnings over a year ago, and think about change. This is the beauty of blogs, or of diaries, indeed - of any written record of thoughts contemplating the future. One can look back, reflect, and gaze as if through a timeglass, into the thoughts of the one that was. And predictions are borne out or falsified, resolutions are kept or broken, moods and thoughts develop. All these things seem far more interesting than a simple snapshot, a cross-section in time, that flashes a vivid picture and then is suddenly no more. But it's amazing to look back and see change. And it's even more amazing to think that our God, who transcends time, has view of all these things at once!

This bug has undergone a lot of change in the 14 months since this blog started, that's for sure. Now no longer "just a student", but a "doctor"; perhaps a couple of kilos lighter and less obsessed with chocolate; in Mildura and not Melbourne; with Sal on the other side of the world; owning a new car. The list could go on for a while. But so many of those changes are far less important than the changes inside - although it would be wrong to say that changes inside are independent of these external ones.

I think one of the biggest changes is my becoming far busier. Being busy, I think, has caused me to grow in the world's sense of the word "grow". This far into work as an intern, I've had to take a quantum leap in mindset to deal with being directly responsible for patients' welfare. Working life is also time consuming with most shifts lasting ten hours, and some lasting well over that. Sometimes, I'll come home from work and simply be so exhausted that all I'll do is flop on the bed and dream of sleep. And then I'll wake up in the morning, lights still on, my clothes still on, and look at the clock - panicking at the fact I need to be at work in under half an hour! Thanks to God, I haven't yet been late for a shift (well, not excessively so, anyhow). So far, I've learnt to deal with these things, and I'm definitely improving with regard to time management. Certainly, in the emergency department, one learns how to be efficient (although it may not seem so to the patients - who, understandably, have to put up with exorbitant waiting times while we wait for beds to become available, and for pathology to process our blood results, or radiologists to report scans - leading to the prevalent sighs of doctors in the department, "oh, where are my bloody bloods!") Indeed, times can be frustrating - but we grow up and learn how to deal with frustration, become desensitised, and become far more machine-like. Even out of work, there is little time spare to cater for our domestic needs (some would argue cravings) - time spent shopping, eating, sleeping, and surfing the net (probably one of my worst timesinks!). It leaves little room for thought, for dreaming, for imagination - the things that cause one to be both interesting and interested at the same time. And so it is with being busy.

I can't help but think that in all this, I've fallen a bit into a state of thought poverty. Instead of being busy thinking (as I was when I started Elkandren's Whisper), I find myself busy with a whole host of other things. Now, thought tends to take a back seat. Far from being foremost in my mind, the quest for meaning, for answering interesting questions like "what better things are there for me to be thinking about than this?", takes a back seat to the incessant worries of how my patient from earlier on in the day is coping with the antibiotics I prescribed. Even dreams are themed on decisions about a patient's management. And then, as exemplified by one of my patients just yesterday (who spontaneously reverted from atrial fibrillation back to sinus rhythm), the vast majority of patients we deal with would get better anyway, and 90% of the time we're intervening for no good reason.

And see, as I grow older, I become more cynical. Kids don't have this same level of worry, and they are full of the most interesting thoughts. Adults are weighed down by terrible grievances, age only wearies them, and woe betide them about every little thing that goes on! There's no wonder that ketamine is such a great drug in kids, and such a poor drug in adults. It's an anaesthetic whose effect includes that of inducing dreams. And it's the adults who come out from under its influence complaining of the worst nightmares, while children enjoy floating on clouds, seeing fields of flowers, and their favourite animals. Kids set for us an example that goes far beyond their cuteness and innocence, what adults often call "ignorance". We should be more like children, with an open mind - as Jesus taught us, we ought to come to Him as children, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.

Perhaps in the end, I simply need to look at myself, take a breath, take a step back, and reflect. Jesus took many sidetracks along His journey to the cross, paying attention to things around Him, taking time out for prayer and contemplation, all the while on a life mission infinitely more important than my medical career! I need to follow His example more closely, and make once again more time for thought and reflection, for attending to the details that He has put in our lives, the many ways He reveals Himself to us every day. When I look back at the start of my blog, I realise how I was able to grow (in the true sense of the word) so much at the time - through reflection, reading God's word, and really seeking to dwell in Him. Although I have grown, it's important to know that now is no time to stagnate. I pray that God will help me continue to seek Him earnestly, and free up time to do so, to think on things which are important. I pray that God will help me continue to grow in the true sense of the word, God's wisdom, rather than in the worldly sense. And I hope that this blog, my public thought forum, will become far richer for it!