been feeling quite strange and grumpy again... hard to say why - i mean, i am the recipient of so many blessings from God, more than i could ever deserve - so then, how is it that i should feel like there's a void in my being that's in need of filling in?!?
firstly - a word of apology to all those who have been affected by my grumpiness... i hope i can make it up to u sometime...
also, talked to mary earlier abt this, thx mary for sharing and being such a great help to me... God bless u!!! i'm going to use this blog as a bit of a problem-solving slate... hopefully it'll help yield some answers?!?
some contributing factors to my mood:
fear/insecurity - i'm sure fear probably plays some role... i have all these blessings - yet, i don't deserve them... it only seems right that i'll be punished severely and lose all these blessings in the process... perhaps i'm fearful of such an event... perhaps i'm also fearful because i simply don't have my own handle on things - i'm not in control...
repression/denial - this isn't the first time i've felt strange and grumpy like this... if i repress/deny my feeling, then this is only as good as putting a starving monster back into a glass cage without dealing with it in some way... it'll come back twice as angry next time, bursting out of that insecure cage at the worst possible time, when one's back is turned...
inadequacy - this is something that also surely causes terrible moods, coz i am a sinner, no better than anyone, yet i seem to be the luckiest person when it comes to many things... i have nothing really to offer that nobody else can provide... i've got more than my share of the meal, but can't cook to save my life!!! i'd like to be able to learn, develop into someone more like who God wants me to be... i try, but it's a straining effort against the limitations of humanity and my own willingness...
competition - hmmm, this is a strange one to put here... but i think this is a true factor!!! pride, competitiveness and need for recognition all feature under this heading... i like to think that i'm good at something... yah?!? sometimes i need affirmation... and it doesn't help if i can't prove to myself that i'm any good at something i try... it seems cruel, but certainly honest that triumphing in competition (which implies comparison and hence loss for another person) can make someone feel better... pride in oneself confers a dependence on recognition in order to maintain that and feel good... but i have nothing to be proud of, and i ought to have nothing to be proud of - truly!!!
perpetuating factors:
this is where my eyes are being opened - i think... i've always been able to identify some possible reasons why i might be feeling strange... - but these have all been based on my characterising how i've felt at the time... fear, guilt, shattered pride, self-deprecation, are some of the things that dominate my mindset when i'm grumpy... this much is clear... but jus as clear is the solution - that God alone can fill my void!!! but then, why is it that i still feel this way?!?
there's definitely a difference between the intellectual knowing of God and experiencing a personal relationship with God... there are things that are hindering this, and these things are among the perpetuating factors that mean that this mood becomes an increasingly frequent recurring theme... i have been in a personal relationship with God since accepting Christ as my Saviour about eighteen months ago now... but like many, i think i might be encountering a spiritual wall, like a spiritual lethargy, in that my heart feels less free to give of itself unto God... much of my daily walk with God, from prayer to reading to every decision i make, becomes felt more like a restriction rather than freedom and fulfilment...
probably the first out of those factors is my tendency to ignore and repress my moods... often, i feel exhausted by the efforts i make in order to please others and become the person that God wants me to be... and it can feel like an unrequited love at times!!! effort goes in - but i am ignored, set aside, my efforts minimised or laid to waste in a gesture that's clearly not meant to insult, but can feel like a sledgehammer... but all the while, i continue to try, in the process keeping a pleasant façade, an exterior that says to the world that everything's ok... then i collapse suddenly - the feelings mounted to the surface, and overflowing... in this mood, i jus can't function - everything seems like a conspiracy, and it seems like everything i've lived for has all been chasing after the wind (like in ecclesiastes)...
probably the second of these factors is another thing inherent in myself - impatience... i am trying to breed patience, truly!!! and pray for it frequently... but it's hard... expecting that things are going to fix themselves within a short time, expecting that others will understand with little need to explain... thinking that it's a simple matter of one prayer and God will answer... - perseverance is needed too... perhaps i've jus slowed down too quickly and expected too much... but God has given us a lifetime...
the third - the fact that i've now been a Christian for about eighteen months, i'm probably jus emerging from that "honeymoon" period of feeling things with a freshness and driving me on... do i need a new way of worshipping?!? or do i jus need to persevere, trusting all the time in the truth that God will bring me out of whatever he brings me to?!?
solution:
hmmm... this is where i need to be working ;p am feeling slightly happier that i've sorted thru some of this... but mary made me realise that i ought to be acknowledging the simple truth and not putting on a façade... i need to let go of the pressure that i sometimes feel to be outwardly happy all the time, and instead be simply who i am... an unworthy sinner who needs God fully... and re: the spiritual lethargy, be honest to God that i am a person with doubts, who gets grumpy and frustrated without understanding it... there's never an easy process, but hopefully, by no longer denying and repressing my moods unhealthily, the lid can be removed from the boiling pot of uncertainty, fear, insecurity and inadequacy, and hopefully i can resume my walk with God in the direction He wants me to go!!!
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Hmm... you know there's no need to be fearful/insecure, yeah? Or worry about not 'deserving' blessings - blessings are, after all, freely given gifts, and not a worker's wages!! God gives you blessings out of his love, not of anything you've done to deserve - yet his love is more trustworthy and secure than anything else!! (so in fact, you're getting a better deal, if that makes any sense - God is not the dodgy car salesman, we are the dodgy car salesmen ;-p like, it's actually MORE secure in God's control than in ours) - sorry about making this point so clumsily, but I hope it's made.
Re competition - everyone has, a needs a measure of competitiveness - as long as it doesn't bear destructive fruit (e.g. jealousy, envy, hate, anger, covetousness) it should be okay, yah? It can be really useful when used constructively, so u don't have to become completely anti-competitive!... ;-p
Finally, if you have more than you can eat, it surely doesn't matter that you can't cook - why do you need more food? The obvious solution at this stage is surely:
EAT!
:-) love, Sillysal
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