Caught in a web

hmmmz, musing about depressing thoughts and things lately... i wonder why i'm so down?!? not much reason, really, i mean, what could someone want that i haven't already got?!? it's really silly sometimes when i muse about things and jus can't come up with a reason to explain my mood... perhaps it's jus tiredness... but perhaps it's more than jus that... perhaps so many things jus rolled into one web of entanglement, me the insect trapped in the middle flapping its wings in vain to escape its sticky grasp... the spider is sin, and i am its next dinner, except for God's salvation thru Jesus Christ... yet this insect doesn't always recognise this truth...

caught in the web with me are so many other insects... sometimes i want to know them, they could be my friends... but sometimes what i want is not so much to know them, but to feel appreciated and needed in a way... it's terrible sometimes, the feeling that the world could do without you... i mean, i remember thinking about some of my friends from the past, too many of whom i've jus completely lost touch with... and wondering, they mus be doing so well now, with so many interesting things to keep them alive and seeking truth, wanting more... it is they who so often seemed content with life, and it is they to whom i looked when i wanted a model to follow... i imagine them all together in groups, laughing and enjoying one another's company... i'm happy that they're happy, but i leave myself out of the picture... they don't need me, in fact they're doing jus fine, perhaps even better without me... mostly, i'm jus like a fly on the wall, at best an accessory, at worst an annoyance or distraction... maybe that's why they haven't stayed in touch, replied to my emails, or anything... a terrible realisation dawns, perhaps i'm not so real to them after all?!?

then i look at myself and those who remain in my circle... i suppose, they come and go... but equally, i look at them and realise their sufficiency and happiness, and wonder whether they will go the way of those who have entered the bowels of my past?!? neither needing nor wanting anything to do with me... i know this is such a selfish attitude to have, but its relevance is jus too clear sometimes... then, i'm sure it goes on to affect the way i deal with others... i whine and cry, i crave attention... i move myself into the way in order to be seen, because nobody likes to be ignored, but i'm sure i do no more than invite the ire of those who i disturb... i become more desperate, clinging onto the strands that connect me to others, only to pull too tightly with possessiveness and end up snapping the strands... little remains, only memories and schemata for me to play around with, hope for the future now a discarded remnant of what i remember... once again, i might as well be alone in this sticky web of entanglement, waiting for sin to engulf me...

as the spider draws near, inclement weather arrives and wracks the web, and a thread comes loose and me with it... i'm carried away from the menacing predator, its jaws ready to strike with ferocity... but that too, those open jaws, are but a remnant of what i remember too... i am carried through the air, til i land on a leafy green paradise, so many more insects like myself to be with!!! we have much in common, and we share stories... most often we talk about the wind that saved us, but sometimes we talk about the past too... i discover that i wasn't alone in my frustrations... loneliness followed us like a plague, but the more we tried to cling to others, the more lonely we became... but we are never lonely now... we have each other, and most of all, we have God, who sent the winds of salvation... how much more do we need to know that we are loved?!? how much more do we need to seek our own worth?!?

praise God, for His Son, and for His love, which never fails... may we never forget that we are all worth something, to one another, and above all else, to God...